To do this, we must ask ourselves difficult questions like:
- Why do women continue to have the prevention discussion when it puts an unfair burden on them?
- Why do we take on the responsibility for preventing rape when the responsibility really belongs on men not to rape?
- Why do we criticize and stigmatize other women for their choices?
- Why do we look at a victim and try to find a way to blame her?
For that matter, why don’t we ever stop to see that we may
have been in similar positions in our past although with a different outcome?
It doesn’t take a mental gymnast to do this. It’s just a series of simple
questions…
1. Have you ever been in the presence of a member of the
opposite sex?
2. Have you ever been alone with a member of the opposite
sex?
3. Have you ever consumed alcohol in the presence of a
member of the opposite sex?
4. If you answered yes to all the previous questions, were you raped in that situation?
Most people can probably answer yes to questions 1-3, while answering no to question 4. Yet, one common criticisms we hear is that a victim drank too much alcohol, leaving herself vulnerable in the wrong situation.
Well-meaning experts will suggest that women not drink in excess around people
they don’t know or trust. Still, this warning contradicts the vast majority of
experiences that women have. Rape is the anomaly, not the rule. Why do we still hold
rape victims to a standard that we, ourselves, do not live up to?
One answer is self-preservation. In order to get out of bed
and face the world every day, we must have some sense of safety. We can build
our sense of safety by mentally checking off behaviors that we see resulting in
negative consequences. I will not touch hot burner on the stove because I once
burnt myself. I will not go around railroad signals to beat a train because I
saw the pictures of resulting collisions in driver’s ed. We tell ourselves we
won’t get hurt if we follow all of these rules. We tell ourselves that we are
in control of our fate. The same is true of rape.
It’s tempting to think that if I can figure out what a rape
victim did “wrong,” then I can protect myself from that crime. I tell myself
that I will never make the same mistakes, so I will never be raped. That way, I
can go out and face the day without fearing for my personal safety when in the
presence of any man. The fact is, though, this mental checklist does not
protect you. Women can do everything “right” and still get raped.
Even women who have been raped fall victim to this mental
accounting. They examine their own situation for some thing they can latch on
to- something to which they can attribute the negative consequences. That way, if
they just avoid that behavior or situation in the future and they will never be
victimized in the same way. Victims blame themselves so they can feel a sense
of control over their future. Control has been taken away by the rapist and the
victim is willing to do almost anything to get that sense of control back- even
to blame herself for her victimization.
As women and as human beings, it is difficult to accept that
we are not in control. Rape, however, is a crime in which we are not in
control. The only person in control of the situation is the rapist. He chooses
to whether to rape or not. With that power comes the ultimate responsibility
and ultimate blame. It is not the woman’s fault that she was victimized, but it’s understandable that she might blame herself so she can get back some sense
of control. With rape victims, it is a difficult process to navigate
self-blame, victim-blaming in society, and her ultimate powerlessness over her
body and safety during the crime. That is why agencies exist to meet the myriad
needs of rape victims.
For the rest of us, we need to learn to accept or refuse responsibility as is appropriate.
I must take responsibility for not touching a hot burner. It is my hand and I
choose where I put it. I must take responsibility for not trying to beat a
train. It is my car and I choose not to cross the tracks when a train is
coming. I cannot, however, prevent myself from being raped and if I am raped,
it is not my fault.
To blame a victim is a natural method of coping with the
threat of victimization. Thus, we must make a concerted, conscious effort to
question out assumptions about blame or guilt. It requires that we be brutally
honest with ourselves. As women, we must lead the way in refusing to accept
blame for what a criminal chooses to do to us. However, we cannot
simultaneously ask men to take responsibility for preventing rape while we blame
a woman for her actions before a rape so we can feel safer. We must decide to hold
rapists solely accountable for their actions, even if it means our world is more
uncertain or more dangerous than we would like.
Comments by Jessica Meyers, Director of Advocacy Services